Chapter 7, Waiting for Shit

However, this time Emperor Qin Shi Huang's inspection tour was conducted in great haste. As soon as he issued the order, preparations for the tour were completed the very next day. Bathing was a rather troublesome affair for the emperor, so the ritual of bathing before the tour was omitted by Qin Shi Huang. Consequently, the final outcome was that Zhou Tian had no choice but to accompany Qin Shi Huang on his inspection tour in order to obtain the emperor's foot binding cloth.

***

Time is limited, so for the past two days, I have been wandering around the food truck. If I want to take action, I need to understand the situation of the food truck, and I must also seize the right moment.

In addition to watermelon, there are two other items known as the holy remedy for diarrhea: one is the overripe banana from Taiwan (which can be disregarded), and the other is croton seed.

However, on Sunday, I did not feel disheartened. Hmph, with your physique, you can only have an upset stomach once. I can't believe you manage to take off your pants so promptly every time. Today, I will make sure to keep it going.

Upon hearing the groans of Qin Shi Huang, Zhao Gao, as the most trusted eunuch of Qin Shi Huang, resolutely rushed into the emperor's carriage

However, Zhou Tian and the *map* were disappointed to find that there was something resembling a spittoon in Qin Shi Huang's chariot, and it was quite close to him. As a result, Zhou Tian's plan failed; the emperor's excrement did not fall onto the foot-binding cloth. Consequently, the likelihood of Qin Shi Huang changing his foot-binding cloth was significantly reduced.

Li Si and Hu Hai both have a good relationship with Zhao Gao. If I were to stealthily take a piece of foot-binding cloth from the Emperor Qin's tent, these two would likely pretend not to see it. However, Meng Yi is different; according to Zhao Gao's secret records, Meng Yi is extremely antagonistic towards me. I estimate that no matter what I might steal from Emperor Qin, Meng Yi would certainly label me as a rebel.

Zhou Tian did not have the time to wait, so if he wanted to obtain the foot-binding cloth of Qin Shi Huang, he had to take matters into his own hands. Zhao Gao, as the most trusted eunuch of Qin Shi Huang, naturally had many opportunities to interact with him. However, during these days, he had intentionally been avoiding Qin Shi Huang, which was why he had not met with him frequently.

After getting the firewood wet, the only thing left to do is wait. Based on Qin Shi Huang's constitution, if he ate undercooked food, he would likely start to feel the effects by the afternoon

However, these two things are likely unattainable by Zhou Tian. As for the current plan, there is only one way to induce diarrhea in Qin Shi Huang—by having the chef cook the dishes a bit underdone. In this case, given Qin Shi Huang's delicate constitution, experiencing diarrhea would be quite ordinary. Moreover, this method would not raise suspicion from others.

On a stormy morning, Zhou Tian stealthily slipped into the kitchen vehicle. At that moment, there were not many people inside, so he naturally did not fear being discovered. Zhou Tian's plan was quite simple; as long as he could wet the firewood used for cooking, the food would likely not be well-cooked. Although this plan seemed extraordinarily perilous and required great wisdom to execute, in reality, it could be resolved with just a quick urination. Moreover, it had rained quite a bit that day, so a little wetness on the firewood would not draw too much attention.

There are two reasons why Qin Shi Huang was not particularly fond of bathing and changing clothes. The first reason is that his administrative duties were extremely demanding; he was personally involved in everything he did, leaving little time for leisure. Additionally, during his limited free time, he had to address essential physiological needs such as eating, drinking, and sleeping, which further reduced his available time (especially in cases of constipation). Therefore, the first reason for Qin Shi Huang's aversion to bathing can be summarized as a lack of time. The second reason is that Qin Shi Huang had very poor health; he was the type who would catch a cold at the slightest exposure to water. Thus, under normal circumstances, he did not take the initiative to bathe. Furthermore, the so-called foot wrappings of the Qin Dynasty were essentially similar to modern trousers, so if he did not bathe, Qin Shi Huang was also not keen on changing trousers. However, if something unusual occurred with those trousers, the situation would be different... for instance, diarrhea.

When Emperor Qin Shi Huang went on an inspection tour, it was natural for him to bring along some close ministers, including Li Si and Hu Hai. In addition to these two individuals, Meng Tian's younger brother, Meng Yi, was also summoned by Qin Shi Huang.

Having already prepared for the upcoming Sunday, I naturally donned my nose plug well in advance. Thus, upon rushing into the carriage and confronted with the overwhelming stench emanating from Qin Shi Huang, I remained unfazed, presenting a demeanor of unwavering loyalty akin to that of a devoted minister.

The grandeur of Qin Shi Huang's outings was nothing short of magnificent, with no fewer than 5,000 attendants accompanying him. From a distance, it appeared vast and imposing, reminiscent of a sweeping campaign against the enemy

Indeed, the jolting of the carriage, combined with the meal eaten at noon, finally overwhelmed the already frail body of Qin Shi Huang. During a slightly larger jolt, a series of crackling sounds emerged from his carriage, followed by the painful groans of Qin Shi Huang.

If one wishes to secretly steal the foot-binding cloth, the most challenging obstacle is Meng Yi. However, as a treacherous minister, Zhao Gao naturally placed many confidants around Emperor Qin Shi Huang, so there are indeed ways to deal with Meng Yi.

Previously, I was afraid to meet Qin Shi Huang, but the situation is different now. Although I am still afraid, I find myself compelled to take some action regarding Qin Shi Huang.

After exiting the carriage, Zhou Tian assumed a posture of waiting for a hare by the stump, suggesting that even if you do not pull today, there is no guarantee you will not do so in the future; we have plenty of time ahead.

Accompanying Qin Shi Huang on his inspection tour, and then at the appointed time, rushing back to the Xianyang Palace with the foot-binding cloth to submit the task, this is certainly the second worst outcome. The worst outcome would be that Zhou Tian accompanies Qin Shi Huang on his inspection tour, and then annoys him along the way, resulting in being eliminated. Due to the protagonist's halo effect, we will not consider this possibility here. The best outcome would be that before the inspection, Qin Shi Huang takes a bath, then changes into a new foot-binding cloth, and finally Zhou Tian submits the task with the discarded cloth from Qin Shi Huang and leaves. The worst outcome would be that Zhou Tian accompanies Qin Shi Huang on his inspection tour, and then annoys him along the way, resulting in being eliminated. Due to the protagonist's halo effect, we will not consider this possibility here. The best outcome would be that before the inspection, Qin Shi Huang takes a bath, then changes into a new foot-binding cloth, and finally Zhou Tian submits the task with the discarded cloth from Qin Shi Huang and leaves

Zhou Tian originally intended to give Qin Shi Huang a rotten watermelon, but after inquiring for a long time, he discovered that watermelons had seemingly not yet been introduced from the Western Regions during the Qin Dynasty

After the entire procession set off from Xianyang, it headed directly south, adhering to the principle of first south, then north, left west, and right east. The first stop was called Yunmeng, which is quite far from Xianyang. Originally, Qin Shi Huang's destination had little to do with Zhou Tian; as long as Zhou Tian managed to obtain the foot-binding cloth, it would suffice. However, Zhou Tian learned from his informants that Qin Shi Huang actually planned to bathe and change clothes upon reaching Yunmeng. Given the speed of the procession, it would take at least a month and a half to arrive at Yunmeng. This means that if Zhou Tian wanted to wait for Qin Shi Huang to change the foot-binding cloth himself, he would have to wait until a month and a half later.